I have often heard that introverts are anti-social. This is a common misconception. Many introverts (myself included) easily start conversations with strangers and enjoy getting to know people. I know introverts who are very social and love hanging out with their friends and making new ones.
And, I’ve known shy extroverts: they are energized when around people but find it difficult to make friends or even break into conversations.
The introvert-extrovert issue is not so much about shyness vs. outgoingness, but about how we are energized. What depletes our emotional energy, and what recharges us?
From what I understand (and please correct me if I am wrong), an extrovert is energized by interacting with people. They need to talk and they need someone to listen and respond with interest. They need to spend much of their time engaged with people. If they spend too much time alone, they get restless, bored, or depressed.
As an introvert, on the other hand, after about two hours of interaction with people (even my favorite people), I am spent. I begin to feel physically fatigued; I can’t think clearly (don’t ask me to solve any problems at this time), and I’m probably not much fun. I may even develop a headache. If I can be alone for a couple of hours to think my own thoughts without interruption, I’ll be fine again.
An introvert needs good friends, comfortable companionship, and other people to provide the “fun” (I’m looking at you, Renee and Jamie).
We need regular and frequent solitude.
We need an escape from noise.
We need plenty of margin in our lives (see the book Margin, by Richard Swenson). I plan to write more about this in another post.
Introverts understand other introverts, but we need extroverts in our lives: to move the conversation forward, to provide entertainment (I can plan it but can’t sustain it for long—I lose steam), to foster occasional spontaneity, and mostly to keep us from getting lost in our introspection (aka self-absorption). Yes, we like to think about ourselves (hence this post), and we enjoy our own company. We need to practice looking outward.
If you are not an introvert but love someone who is, you may be interested in the books Quiet (Susan Cain) and Introverts in the Church (Adam S. McHugh).
I would love to hear from extroverts—what do you need from the rest of us? Please comment and help us all understand each other better!